Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
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Symone, 030793Cheryl's blog here. Kind off talky with loads of words. Some make sense some don't. Like this blog, come back and read more, don't like, please don't spam my tag board. Just a school girl going through her school life. Nothing much nothing less. Likes to eat but kind of aware not to eat too much. Thats about it. I felt that night, on the stage, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What’s so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What’s so great about feeling and dreaming? (By the person who did this skin) — Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Taggings
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Wednesday, September 30, 2015
At the edge Maybe this is my breaking point, maybe this is where I loss it. It's like I'm stepping into this terrain filled with crevices and with one wrong step, I'll fall right though with no chance of getting back up. I want to try but do I really wanna try so hard? I'll probably end up not going to anywhere I would like it enjoy and simply accept the fate that has been set, cast and stone. So what is the point? Maybe it's just to prove that I can do it. I guess that'll be my only motivation, I can and will do it because I'm not motivated or driven enough and thus I'll push myself to be more motivated and driven solely for the sake of it. Don't lose it Cheryl. Cut whatever baggage you need off and focus. Sunday, September 21, 2014
That may just be the reason
Alright, I’ll write a long one.
So I've been really worried about it. Because of all the recent events that happened. Being someone who strongly advocates for female empowerment, I don’t think I’ll settle up for settling down in a family and end up being holed up at home. I want to explore what this world have to offer! Now here’s the problem… In a relationship, or rather in a long term relationship, two has to have similar goal or working towards that similar goal. What if their ultimate goals differ greatly? Will it work out? What is his ultimate goal? In my mind right now, his goal to me seems to be that of settling down and simply expecting nothing more than that. Which differs from mine. And that’s what worries me so badly. I’m afraid that it won’t work out, and I don’t want to face it either. Because this is a relationship that I fought hard to get. I swallowed my pride and went up to him. I want him so bad that I won his heart, that he has come to love me as much or even more than I love him. And here I am worrying about what the future has to offer for us. Being afraid that he may be a controlling person, worried that he wouldn’t want to go as far as I want to. Trying hard to be tolerant with my short temper and my little patience when he says something insensitive but yet clueless about how insensitive it is to me. Dropping hints that I’m at my limits but not getting it. Frustrating and yet constantly having to remind myself that guys may not get the hints the ladies drop on them. This is a stable relationship I have in a long while and I have been single for so long. And this is something I truly am not used to. All these responsibilities to undertake as a girlfriend, all these social stigmatism about what an attach girl ought or ought not to do. Having to deal with all these new rules I’m supposed to comply with is driving me nuts, trying to live up to it makes me even crazier. I just don’t know how I should live as a girlfriend, how I should behave and I don’t find any of those rules justified to my belief at all. For example, I can’t talk or interact too much with other guys is a rule that I’m supposed to follow. But being more of a rough and tough girl who can’t stand shits from all the dramas that girls have to offer, I’ve made friends with guys more. In addition to that, I grew up playing with boys more than girls which makes it even harder. I’ve been in a brawl with another dude before, we’ve played soccer, basketball and all those neighbourhood games available to play before. And all these are played in the company of mostly males. So I don’t see why is it so when my childhood is filled with them and it’s so much easier to befriend them that I can’t talk too much with them. Or I’ll suffer the scrutiny that I’ll potentially be a cheating girlfriend. Next, I saw this coming but still it really annoyed the crap out of me. Friends constantly saying that I can’t go out with them because I am supposed to be with my boyfriend. Here’s the thing, when I made my best friends important in my life, I saw my relationship with that similar to that to a boyfriend. So obviously to me, my boyfriend don’t outweigh any of them. So what is up with those perception that my boyfriend would outweigh my best friends that I have to give up that part of my life? Friendships like these take years to build up and the eternity to maintain and I don’t intend to lose any of them, not any more, Another point, is it compulsory for me to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend? I don’t see it as a need as of presently. As the saying goes, distance makes the heart grows fonder, I appreciate that distance. No, I can’t stand spending 24/7 with my boyfriend, I’ll suffocate. I can’t even stand 24/7 with my own family! I know that he has been gone for a long while but by the time that he is back, it is my finals period. So should I forgo my academics which would imply to throwing away my future in exchange for spending those precious time with him. After the finals, time can be set aside to catch up as much as he like over the weekends. Please don’t push it because it will just add on to my already frazzled brain. Frazzled about the stress coming from my finals, I want to do well. I have to do well because I have got no other choice personally. Even if I have, I choose not to look at the alternatives because I want to excel in what I am doing now. Because of all these stress being welled up, I have been highly emotional. I can’t feel sad enough to cry so I’ve been looking at tragic events to force myself to cry. Imagine that pain of having to force myself to truly cry emotionally. I can easily fake some tears but those tears are different from those brimming with my welled up emotions. These emotions need that release and crying was the only release because I can’t vent it any elsewhere. So, all in all, I’m just a hater of relationship, sue me. Regardless, I am still in a relationship and I want it to work out. I certainly hope with my fingers crossed that it’ll be okay. Because these fears are making me weary or even scared of his very face. I don’t want that to happen or progress any further than that. Alright that’s all for now. Tuesday, September 9, 2014
It's not coming I've been reminded of the past. A bittersweet past. It was such a short and pleasant memory that I've had with this person and it only became painful and bitter because of his mum. They say I can't blame him but why not? He is the one who allowed all these to happen no? I did not initiate talking to him. Though I did reply and who would have thought that he reminded me so much of the other him then. Though he reminded me so much of that person but he is so different too. I knew what he was when he casually told me how he just broke up with his ex then... But I thought maybe since I was me, I could handle it all. I could handle not falling for him, I could handle even if I do he would not be so. I thought I could. I'm really overly complacent, isn't it so? It just hurts for me to see him again. And with our progression then, he would not have. It was all going well, we could study effectively together and studying actually made me happy with him around. But what made it falter? Me being unable to face the truth and confront him? I was so torn about whether I should confront him or not when I heard about what his mum said. Those vicious tongue she possesses... I did nothing, and I just when back to my reclusion... Allowing myself to feel the pain again. While he get over it, and MOVE ON. While I thought of him for a while, a long while. Unable to burst into tears when I think about him. Making me think that it has dried up, my tears have dried up. I don't feel empathetic to others, I don't feel for them. Or I don't let myself feel for them. Does it matter? Maybe if I don't feel for them, I won't be so emotionally torn. Maybe that's why it couldn't cry... But why do I still feel so wretched right now? Like my heart is tied in a knot when I think of him? I have a boyfriend now and yet when I see him, I almost burst into tears but when it is finally coming, I couldn't let it come. I don't know what is wrong with me... I hate him, I hated him, I resented him so much. He made me lose my last hope... Well for that matter that hope. And I have it all up altogether. My heart never wavered again... Until I tried again. Because I stupidly keeps trying. I don't know why either, to make me feel less like a person with no compassion? But I love my boyfriend so much right now. I want him so badly and yet why do I feel so sad when I think about him? But the tears isn't coming again. I just want to cry this out and get over it so badly. But I don't want to squeeze it out either because it's forced... I haven't truly cried in a long while... No wait I think I managed to shed a few tears when Neri cried in my arms but that wasn't crying but feeling for my best friend... I can feel, only to those who touches my heart, is close to my heart. He was once close, so near, he was my zombie and I was the zombie mistress... Though this is no longer the case. Tears, please come to me so that I can cry properly and get over with this person. He and I are both attached to different people now. And I'm sure we both love our respective beau deeply.,, I just want to get over with him. I really don't want to be reminded of him anymore... I don't want to see his face... I thought I couldn't recognise him but I did and he did. And his smile is no longer the smile he used to smile to me anymore. He is not my zombie anymore. That smile he once smiled to me isn't mine anymore... He is not mine. Let not be selfish and hope to possess that smile of his okay.. It's okay just posses one persons smile... He won't care much about me either anymore, be it when I fall or not. He won't look so intently at my injury anymore. I can't hold his hand to keep him warm when he is cold anymore. He has someone else to hold his hand for me. He already has someone else there to hold his hand when he is cold. When he gets cold so easily... He won't be there to hold me tight to keep me close or keep me from falling. I just can't... He is just not mine to keep. Maybe he wasn't mine right from the start. Don't think about him any further. Writing it out seems to be so much better... Thank goodness my hands are moving... Writing what I am thinking.. Or else it'll be reflected on my actions and health... I've figured out how my emotions and feelings work already... If I don't say it, it'll be reflected upon these two places... Hahaha... I've always known it, I just refuses to acknowledge it. I don't want to feel happy at this moment... So I'm not gonna remind myself that I'm happily in a relationship with my boyfriend. I want to feel these emotions... I don't know why but I enjoy feeling these negative emotions. Those happiness feelings are tiring. Tiring when I'm trying to act it out. No one gets it... They just assume and assume that I am a happy individual which I let them assume on. I don't want to be happy but I have to act like I'm happy. What a tiring life this is. A tough life... All these people in my life right now fits so well in this "happy life" I'm living. Excusing a couple of them who are close to me. But they think I'm happy too.. Let me be my "happy" Cheryl then. I don't want them to know what I'm truly thinking of anyway. Does it truly matter? I'm just sick in my mind. I'm just a weirdo isn't that so...? Why do I know some things that I shouldn't? Is my life truly that happy at this moment? I'm a position that will bring me to a promising and bright future no? I should be happy that I'm achieving that. But I still feel like I'm underachieving. I'm not there yet. There's so many things I want to do. But I'm already tired of life. I want to live it selfishly and selflessly too. See how weird I am and how it will ever work out? Never. Tuesday, April 16, 2013
You Have seriously no idea what's running through in this little brain of mine... Sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. I talk a lot because there's a lot going on in there, but that's not everything. And the things I don't talk about are the things which are silently stored there and will always be there reminding me it's still there. With the passing time, those thoughts are added, and then they form up and they start to link up and I have no idea how linked they are but one day, try will just go poof! I think this this this... Poof! I think that that that... And then with each small things linked up, they are still unspoken in my mouth, but they are constantly gossiping in my brain. Gossiping would be the right one, cos they are noisy. Ya... That's about what I have to say... Conclusion is just because you know me and you think that you know me well, you really don't. Except for my mum, no one knows me better than her and she's does not even know more than 75% of things about me... So just don't think too highly and overconfident about knowing me ya. Friday, January 4, 2013
A little bit more... Because of such kind of people, I'll think back of my pet, that is no longer mine. I guess that pet of mine has wandered off and found a new mistress that his mama approves. =.= To that pet of mine, thank you for your actions telling me that you are not man enough to come up to me and tell me the truth. Having to hear it from someone else. You don't deserve me as your mistress and as much as I'll miss this pet of mine whom I used to be able to find comfort in no matter what situation there may be. I'm sure I'll be able to find another pet in future that will let me be able to find comfort in more than you did. As much as I'll miss you saying all those things to me, not caring about what other's think and all, scratch that you cared about your mum. But still, I sure you truly have that in you. Not just that, you truly deserve a tight slap as well. Gosh I need my E.M Tys and I really don't need your torn and tattered physics Tys. Honest. But I doubt I'll see you again, because I guess your new mistress would love to see you around. Buhbye Wednesday, December 26, 2012
To the holy daddy up there. If you truly believe in the holy daddy up there, his not there specifically to mend your "broken heart" his there through words of the bible to help you learn about life. You don't even read the bible. If you truly believe in the holy daddy up there, you don't have to "pray to him" on twitter, you can pray it through your heart, by your mouth, he can hear better that way. And he'll guide you to his answer via the bible. Just because you think you know him, you don't. You need to truly follow him, follow his guidance, follow him faithfully. Love him, trust him, know that he is there for you, you are there for him. Your best friend, best lover, best dad. Not faking it, accept him in your heart. Thank him for all that he have done. Thank him and praise him... I'm posting this here because hardly anyone will see this. But if someone happens to, don't be like the hypocrite. The Heavenly Father up there deserves more than fake, because he is real. And we should treat him with our true self. Sunday, December 2, 2012
I miss, I hate, I detest you. I saved your photo for myself telling myself to remember you no matter how far I am, how much I can't talk to you... Do you do the same thing? Now you have no excuse not to be talking to me yet you are not talking to me. Do you have any idea how much it's eating me up right before I left for New Zealand up till now? The fact that your mum obviously dislike me to go around telling the world she does. Not verifying it with you in fear of spoiling an ruining our relationship. Since I came back from New Zealand, how much distance it has become. What has become of us? What has become of you? I told myself maybe it's time to let you go because I knew from the start you don't belong with me and yet I try to make myself believe you do. Guess that I am your mistress no more? You have a new mistress? Pet servant for someone else? I don't know... I told myself to be careful not to get too close to other guys for you... And yet this is what I get.... I had my heart set on you, and now it's wavering. It's wavering because you are no longer there. Not there for me, not there to even pacify me. Not there to hold me, not there to protect me from all harm. Not there to make sure I'm okay. You told me you'll make me feel okay... You'll make me happy. You'll be my pet. You'll be there for me. You'll protect me forever... Now you are the one hurting the shit out of me... Hurting every bit... You could have made it easier for me by telling me something. But right now, it's all a blank. Wherever I am, I think of you. I think of you, your smile, your gentle holding. You careful and protective hands around me. I was looking forward to December, you telling me that we can go here and there, cycle here and there. At least a 10km? Skating? I do remember what you say... I still have a tinge of childhood with me on the fact that as a child, I have always had a good memory. Vivid ones actually. And I really want to let everything out... But all I can do is cry to myself bit by bit, every night, thinking about you. I have to stop thinking about you. Forget about that face. I can't bare to lose. I can't bear to lose any bit of it. I miss you so bad... I hate this void feeling... |
But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay |