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Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
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Symone, 030793Cheryl's blog here. Kind off talky with loads of words. Some make sense some don't. Like this blog, come back and read more, don't like, please don't spam my tag board. Just a school girl going through her school life. Nothing much nothing less. Likes to eat but kind of aware not to eat too much. Thats about it. I felt that night, on the stage, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What’s so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What’s so great about feeling and dreaming? (By the person who did this skin) — Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Taggings
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Sunday, September 21, 2014
That may just be the reason
Alright, I’ll write a long one.
So I've been really worried about it. Because of all the recent events that happened. Being someone who strongly advocates for female empowerment, I don’t think I’ll settle up for settling down in a family and end up being holed up at home. I want to explore what this world have to offer! Now here’s the problem… In a relationship, or rather in a long term relationship, two has to have similar goal or working towards that similar goal. What if their ultimate goals differ greatly? Will it work out? What is his ultimate goal? In my mind right now, his goal to me seems to be that of settling down and simply expecting nothing more than that. Which differs from mine. And that’s what worries me so badly. I’m afraid that it won’t work out, and I don’t want to face it either. Because this is a relationship that I fought hard to get. I swallowed my pride and went up to him. I want him so bad that I won his heart, that he has come to love me as much or even more than I love him. And here I am worrying about what the future has to offer for us. Being afraid that he may be a controlling person, worried that he wouldn’t want to go as far as I want to. Trying hard to be tolerant with my short temper and my little patience when he says something insensitive but yet clueless about how insensitive it is to me. Dropping hints that I’m at my limits but not getting it. Frustrating and yet constantly having to remind myself that guys may not get the hints the ladies drop on them. This is a stable relationship I have in a long while and I have been single for so long. And this is something I truly am not used to. All these responsibilities to undertake as a girlfriend, all these social stigmatism about what an attach girl ought or ought not to do. Having to deal with all these new rules I’m supposed to comply with is driving me nuts, trying to live up to it makes me even crazier. I just don’t know how I should live as a girlfriend, how I should behave and I don’t find any of those rules justified to my belief at all. For example, I can’t talk or interact too much with other guys is a rule that I’m supposed to follow. But being more of a rough and tough girl who can’t stand shits from all the dramas that girls have to offer, I’ve made friends with guys more. In addition to that, I grew up playing with boys more than girls which makes it even harder. I’ve been in a brawl with another dude before, we’ve played soccer, basketball and all those neighbourhood games available to play before. And all these are played in the company of mostly males. So I don’t see why is it so when my childhood is filled with them and it’s so much easier to befriend them that I can’t talk too much with them. Or I’ll suffer the scrutiny that I’ll potentially be a cheating girlfriend. Next, I saw this coming but still it really annoyed the crap out of me. Friends constantly saying that I can’t go out with them because I am supposed to be with my boyfriend. Here’s the thing, when I made my best friends important in my life, I saw my relationship with that similar to that to a boyfriend. So obviously to me, my boyfriend don’t outweigh any of them. So what is up with those perception that my boyfriend would outweigh my best friends that I have to give up that part of my life? Friendships like these take years to build up and the eternity to maintain and I don’t intend to lose any of them, not any more, Another point, is it compulsory for me to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend? I don’t see it as a need as of presently. As the saying goes, distance makes the heart grows fonder, I appreciate that distance. No, I can’t stand spending 24/7 with my boyfriend, I’ll suffocate. I can’t even stand 24/7 with my own family! I know that he has been gone for a long while but by the time that he is back, it is my finals period. So should I forgo my academics which would imply to throwing away my future in exchange for spending those precious time with him. After the finals, time can be set aside to catch up as much as he like over the weekends. Please don’t push it because it will just add on to my already frazzled brain. Frazzled about the stress coming from my finals, I want to do well. I have to do well because I have got no other choice personally. Even if I have, I choose not to look at the alternatives because I want to excel in what I am doing now. Because of all these stress being welled up, I have been highly emotional. I can’t feel sad enough to cry so I’ve been looking at tragic events to force myself to cry. Imagine that pain of having to force myself to truly cry emotionally. I can easily fake some tears but those tears are different from those brimming with my welled up emotions. These emotions need that release and crying was the only release because I can’t vent it any elsewhere. So, all in all, I’m just a hater of relationship, sue me. Regardless, I am still in a relationship and I want it to work out. I certainly hope with my fingers crossed that it’ll be okay. Because these fears are making me weary or even scared of his very face. I don’t want that to happen or progress any further than that. Alright that’s all for now. Tuesday, September 9, 2014
It's not coming I've been reminded of the past. A bittersweet past. It was such a short and pleasant memory that I've had with this person and it only became painful and bitter because of his mum. They say I can't blame him but why not? He is the one who allowed all these to happen no? I did not initiate talking to him. Though I did reply and who would have thought that he reminded me so much of the other him then. Though he reminded me so much of that person but he is so different too. I knew what he was when he casually told me how he just broke up with his ex then... But I thought maybe since I was me, I could handle it all. I could handle not falling for him, I could handle even if I do he would not be so. I thought I could. I'm really overly complacent, isn't it so? It just hurts for me to see him again. And with our progression then, he would not have. It was all going well, we could study effectively together and studying actually made me happy with him around. But what made it falter? Me being unable to face the truth and confront him? I was so torn about whether I should confront him or not when I heard about what his mum said. Those vicious tongue she possesses... I did nothing, and I just when back to my reclusion... Allowing myself to feel the pain again. While he get over it, and MOVE ON. While I thought of him for a while, a long while. Unable to burst into tears when I think about him. Making me think that it has dried up, my tears have dried up. I don't feel empathetic to others, I don't feel for them. Or I don't let myself feel for them. Does it matter? Maybe if I don't feel for them, I won't be so emotionally torn. Maybe that's why it couldn't cry... But why do I still feel so wretched right now? Like my heart is tied in a knot when I think of him? I have a boyfriend now and yet when I see him, I almost burst into tears but when it is finally coming, I couldn't let it come. I don't know what is wrong with me... I hate him, I hated him, I resented him so much. He made me lose my last hope... Well for that matter that hope. And I have it all up altogether. My heart never wavered again... Until I tried again. Because I stupidly keeps trying. I don't know why either, to make me feel less like a person with no compassion? But I love my boyfriend so much right now. I want him so badly and yet why do I feel so sad when I think about him? But the tears isn't coming again. I just want to cry this out and get over it so badly. But I don't want to squeeze it out either because it's forced... I haven't truly cried in a long while... No wait I think I managed to shed a few tears when Neri cried in my arms but that wasn't crying but feeling for my best friend... I can feel, only to those who touches my heart, is close to my heart. He was once close, so near, he was my zombie and I was the zombie mistress... Though this is no longer the case. Tears, please come to me so that I can cry properly and get over with this person. He and I are both attached to different people now. And I'm sure we both love our respective beau deeply.,, I just want to get over with him. I really don't want to be reminded of him anymore... I don't want to see his face... I thought I couldn't recognise him but I did and he did. And his smile is no longer the smile he used to smile to me anymore. He is not my zombie anymore. That smile he once smiled to me isn't mine anymore... He is not mine. Let not be selfish and hope to possess that smile of his okay.. It's okay just posses one persons smile... He won't care much about me either anymore, be it when I fall or not. He won't look so intently at my injury anymore. I can't hold his hand to keep him warm when he is cold anymore. He has someone else to hold his hand for me. He already has someone else there to hold his hand when he is cold. When he gets cold so easily... He won't be there to hold me tight to keep me close or keep me from falling. I just can't... He is just not mine to keep. Maybe he wasn't mine right from the start. Don't think about him any further. Writing it out seems to be so much better... Thank goodness my hands are moving... Writing what I am thinking.. Or else it'll be reflected on my actions and health... I've figured out how my emotions and feelings work already... If I don't say it, it'll be reflected upon these two places... Hahaha... I've always known it, I just refuses to acknowledge it. I don't want to feel happy at this moment... So I'm not gonna remind myself that I'm happily in a relationship with my boyfriend. I want to feel these emotions... I don't know why but I enjoy feeling these negative emotions. Those happiness feelings are tiring. Tiring when I'm trying to act it out. No one gets it... They just assume and assume that I am a happy individual which I let them assume on. I don't want to be happy but I have to act like I'm happy. What a tiring life this is. A tough life... All these people in my life right now fits so well in this "happy life" I'm living. Excusing a couple of them who are close to me. But they think I'm happy too.. Let me be my "happy" Cheryl then. I don't want them to know what I'm truly thinking of anyway. Does it truly matter? I'm just sick in my mind. I'm just a weirdo isn't that so...? Why do I know some things that I shouldn't? Is my life truly that happy at this moment? I'm a position that will bring me to a promising and bright future no? I should be happy that I'm achieving that. But I still feel like I'm underachieving. I'm not there yet. There's so many things I want to do. But I'm already tired of life. I want to live it selfishly and selflessly too. See how weird I am and how it will ever work out? Never. |
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But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay |
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