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Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
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Symone, 030793Cheryl's blog here. Kind off talky with loads of words. Some make sense some don't. Like this blog, come back and read more, don't like, please don't spam my tag board. Just a school girl going through her school life. Nothing much nothing less. Likes to eat but kind of aware not to eat too much. Thats about it. I felt that night, on the stage, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What’s so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What’s so great about feeling and dreaming? (By the person who did this skin) — Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Taggings
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Sunday, September 21, 2014
That may just be the reason
Alright, I’ll write a long one.
So I've been really worried about it. Because of all the recent events that happened. Being someone who strongly advocates for female empowerment, I don’t think I’ll settle up for settling down in a family and end up being holed up at home. I want to explore what this world have to offer! Now here’s the problem… In a relationship, or rather in a long term relationship, two has to have similar goal or working towards that similar goal. What if their ultimate goals differ greatly? Will it work out? What is his ultimate goal? In my mind right now, his goal to me seems to be that of settling down and simply expecting nothing more than that. Which differs from mine. And that’s what worries me so badly. I’m afraid that it won’t work out, and I don’t want to face it either. Because this is a relationship that I fought hard to get. I swallowed my pride and went up to him. I want him so bad that I won his heart, that he has come to love me as much or even more than I love him. And here I am worrying about what the future has to offer for us. Being afraid that he may be a controlling person, worried that he wouldn’t want to go as far as I want to. Trying hard to be tolerant with my short temper and my little patience when he says something insensitive but yet clueless about how insensitive it is to me. Dropping hints that I’m at my limits but not getting it. Frustrating and yet constantly having to remind myself that guys may not get the hints the ladies drop on them. This is a stable relationship I have in a long while and I have been single for so long. And this is something I truly am not used to. All these responsibilities to undertake as a girlfriend, all these social stigmatism about what an attach girl ought or ought not to do. Having to deal with all these new rules I’m supposed to comply with is driving me nuts, trying to live up to it makes me even crazier. I just don’t know how I should live as a girlfriend, how I should behave and I don’t find any of those rules justified to my belief at all. For example, I can’t talk or interact too much with other guys is a rule that I’m supposed to follow. But being more of a rough and tough girl who can’t stand shits from all the dramas that girls have to offer, I’ve made friends with guys more. In addition to that, I grew up playing with boys more than girls which makes it even harder. I’ve been in a brawl with another dude before, we’ve played soccer, basketball and all those neighbourhood games available to play before. And all these are played in the company of mostly males. So I don’t see why is it so when my childhood is filled with them and it’s so much easier to befriend them that I can’t talk too much with them. Or I’ll suffer the scrutiny that I’ll potentially be a cheating girlfriend. Next, I saw this coming but still it really annoyed the crap out of me. Friends constantly saying that I can’t go out with them because I am supposed to be with my boyfriend. Here’s the thing, when I made my best friends important in my life, I saw my relationship with that similar to that to a boyfriend. So obviously to me, my boyfriend don’t outweigh any of them. So what is up with those perception that my boyfriend would outweigh my best friends that I have to give up that part of my life? Friendships like these take years to build up and the eternity to maintain and I don’t intend to lose any of them, not any more, Another point, is it compulsory for me to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend? I don’t see it as a need as of presently. As the saying goes, distance makes the heart grows fonder, I appreciate that distance. No, I can’t stand spending 24/7 with my boyfriend, I’ll suffocate. I can’t even stand 24/7 with my own family! I know that he has been gone for a long while but by the time that he is back, it is my finals period. So should I forgo my academics which would imply to throwing away my future in exchange for spending those precious time with him. After the finals, time can be set aside to catch up as much as he like over the weekends. Please don’t push it because it will just add on to my already frazzled brain. Frazzled about the stress coming from my finals, I want to do well. I have to do well because I have got no other choice personally. Even if I have, I choose not to look at the alternatives because I want to excel in what I am doing now. Because of all these stress being welled up, I have been highly emotional. I can’t feel sad enough to cry so I’ve been looking at tragic events to force myself to cry. Imagine that pain of having to force myself to truly cry emotionally. I can easily fake some tears but those tears are different from those brimming with my welled up emotions. These emotions need that release and crying was the only release because I can’t vent it any elsewhere. So, all in all, I’m just a hater of relationship, sue me. Regardless, I am still in a relationship and I want it to work out. I certainly hope with my fingers crossed that it’ll be okay. Because these fears are making me weary or even scared of his very face. I don’t want that to happen or progress any further than that. Alright that’s all for now. |
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But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay |
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